if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
