think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The cops high fived after they tackled you
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
