I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
