It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
