Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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