Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
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It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
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she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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