38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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