I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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