I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
