Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
