I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Nobody cheats on THIS.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
