she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
