she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
