It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
sarcasm needs its own font
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
