ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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