shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
