My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
