I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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