the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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