grandma shit on top of the toilet
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
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Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
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and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us