my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
