Dude my mom stole all your condoms
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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