On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
