She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
