You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
being pregnant is like rehab
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
