apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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