Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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