I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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