I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
