This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize