Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
