I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
BRING THE BAGELS
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
