seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
