I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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