I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
