Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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