She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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