the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
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He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
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We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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