if you like me you must not know who I am
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
