Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
