I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
