worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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