I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
