Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize