He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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