I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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