Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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