I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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