i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
zippers are such a cool invention
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
bring money and cleavage
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
