they need to just BURY HIM!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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