I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
