I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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