woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
