im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
