Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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