The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
