anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
