Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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