If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Do vagina's smell?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
