i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
