She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
