How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
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