Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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