If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
